Slept in a While When I Open My Eyes You Were Here Again

Love songs are where we get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Zero practiced can come of this. Photograph by Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout man history, oceans have been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and corking families accept blossomed — all considering of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other mitt, that time you told that girl you lot just started seeing that you would "take hold of a grenade" for her? You did that because of a love song. And information technology wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move dorsum to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"Information technology'southward but, my mom. You lot know? And Fifty.A. is so hot in the summer. And yep, my mom." Photograph via iStock.

That time you held that smash box over your head outside your ex'south business firm? You did that because of a love vocal. And l hours of community service later, yous're notwithstanding not back together.

Love songs are keen. They brand our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, real-life homo relationships should work.

They're amazing. So amazing. And also terrible.

Here are six love songs that sound romantic but aren't, and one vocal that doesn't sound romantic merely totally is:

one. "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys

Yous tin keep your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Go Arounds," and your "Aid me Rhondas."

When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Simply Knows" is where it'south at. A lush garden of soft horns and informal melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo past Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Hither's why information technology sounds romantic:

I may non always love you

But long every bit there are stars higher up you

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you and so sure about information technology

God only knows what I'd be without you lot

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing "God Simply Knows" on your iPod, you should really stop and start over.

If you lot're lazily bumping a beach brawl over a volleyball internet and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your mind, y'all need to rethink the choices that got you to this point.

If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and yous're non underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Merely Knows," you lot are doing it wrong.

Hippies, likely on their mode to a mud frolic. Photo past Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It's a vocal that just feels like love. Pure dearest. Young love. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could exist wrong with that?

Hither'due south why it'southward really really, really unromantic:

There's goose egg wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-peak notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall asleep while yous whisper the consummate works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the dorsum porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But in that location is such a thing as loving someone a skosh too much.

If you should e'er leave me

Though life would all the same go on believe me

The world could bear witness nothing to me

Then what good would living do me?

Look, I get information technology. Breakups suck. There's no getting around that. Just skillful God.

There's a huge difference between saying: "Hey babe, you are my first and foremost everything and I'll exist bummed if y'all become." And saying: "Welp, you accustomed that chore in Seattle, so I'm just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call it a life."

Only that'due south pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...

God only knows what I'd exist without y'all

...horror-movie creepy. Because the answer, obviously, is: "I'd be a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a proficient run. Photo via iStock.

That'southward not love. That's codependency (to put information technology mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to impale yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. Information technology's a class of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in whatsoever relationship — one that, past definition, might one day terminate — is putting a lot of eggs in ane basket. Sure, God may only know what y'all'd be without her, simply God probably besides hopes you take, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Yep! Hell yeah! What was her name once again?" Photo past Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Assistants.

One person cannot be anyone'southward be-all and end-all. It'southward as well stressful. And it prevents you from doing yous, which is a thing that'due south gotta be done before you can exercise anything else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Sure, it's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song y'all've ever heard. But, we don't have Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, you lot could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that face. That confront! Photo by Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here'southward why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you are

Beloved, you're my gilded star

You lot know yous can make my wish come truthful

If you permit me treasure y'all

If you allow me treasure you

Laissez passer those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an 8th-grade brand-out political party and you'll likely go an instant toll laissez passer on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, appointment night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-yet-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will think you're weird — but probably still make out with yous.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America because of this song.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and yous're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photo past Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'one thousand OK with that.

But, here's why "Treasure" isn't every bit romantic as it seems:

Everything about "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes almost gender.

"Children, have I ever told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the start fourth dimension we met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things kickoff to go due south right from the very beginning:

Requite me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby

I gotta tell yous a petty something nearly yourself

Ah yes. Nothing screams "respect" quite like a homo lecturing a strange woman on the street nearly something she "doesn't know about herself."

What could it exist? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she's got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction book about early modern German language history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thank you for teaching me all well-nigh Martin Luther's bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Alert: Information technology'southward none of those.

You're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you lot're a sexy lady

But you walk around hither similar you lot wanna be someone else

Oh. Information technology's that she'due south sexy. Absurd, bro. Very original.

Word of communication? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't bear on her 24-hour interval-to-twenty-four hours so much that you, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

So what if she does desire to be someone else? I'd dear to be someone else! I retrieve being Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A good way to spend a three-day weekend.

Certain, there'd be an aligning menstruum... Photo by Eamonn Thousand. McCormack/Getty Images.

And so afterward, of course, the narrator can't help himself:

Pretty girl, pretty daughter, pretty girl, you should be smiling

A daughter similar y'all should never look so blue.

He respects her so much, he's actually straight-up telling her to grinning! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to become off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I judge everybody's got a affair.

Yes, in the world of "Treasure," a good for you relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange woman and said adult female beingness so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sexual practice."

He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover similar the globe'south creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, y'all, you, you are

You lot are my treasure, yous are my treasure

You are my treasure, aye, you, you, you, y'all are

Past this point, in his listen, she's a literal thing. An object. Which is plumbing equipment.

I suppose information technology could be worse, though. At least she's not simply any matter.

GIF from "The Two Towers."

That'south ... something, right?

three. "Don't Think Twice, It'southward All Correct," by Bob Dylan

For equally long as humans have been dating each other, humans accept been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Call back Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going downwardly in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is good at writing songs that a lot of people similar. Photo by William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Hither's why information technology sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no use to sit down and wonder why, babe

Even yous don't know by now

And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, baby

It'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll be gone

Yous're the reason I'chiliad a-traveling on

But don't recall twice, information technology's all correct.

Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.

"Don't Think Twice" is a raw song. An honest vocal. A powerful song. It's the song your older sis played on continuous loop for six months after her boyfriend left for college. The vocal that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her bank-teller chore, load her iv Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend's cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school ring over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are you looking for?" Photograph by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Sure, it's about the end of a relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the stop of the day, shouldn't that be enough?

Hither's why it'due south actually sooooo messed upwards:

Relationships terminate. For a lot of reasons. And while at that place is no right way to call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties tin can certainly benefit from a difficult, honest discussion almost what went incorrect.

It'due south not me, Joan. It's you. 100% you. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Think Twice," that give-and-take basically boils down to: "Information technology'due south your fault."

Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You're all like, "Babe, I just have so much unspecified love to give," and she's similar, "Take out the trash!" And y'all're similar, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart be enough?" And she's like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need yous to do is accept out the trash." And you're similar, "You're bumming me out. I'm gonna go play guitar." And then she gets all mad! What did you practise? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!

Yous could accept done better, simply I don't listen

Yes. You lot practise mind! Y'all heed! You wrote a song about it, y'all passive-aggressive prick.

Yous merely kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your fourth dimension is so precious! Retrieve virtually all the hours you wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when you could accept been futzing effectually with that home-brew kit.

Aye, this was worth it. Photo past Beak Bradford/Flickr.

The infinitesimal you start breaking it down, the message of "Don't Think Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister's ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in boondocks for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt'southward current of air chime store, which would take closed forever agone had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend's cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child back up.

"Yous kids desire a beer? No one's under thirteen, correct?" Photo via iStock.

Oh yeah, and the song's narrator also point-bare refers woman he's leaving equally:

A kid, I'm told

That's right. In addition to existence a run-of-the-mill passive-ambitious jerk — turns out, he's also perhaps a pedophile.

Even if nosotros are to take that this is a metaphor and she's not really a child — which there's no indication information technology is, only OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking upwards with anyone in such a fell, dismissive style is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the betoken.

4. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver

Who has 2 thumbs and wrote a bloodshot folk vocal about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Eatables.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Aeroplane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness considering jet planes were yet kind of new at the time it was written.

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane

To a modern ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'm a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," but in a way that'due south somehow all the same folksy and heartbreaking and singable past 9-year-olds at summertime camp. Not like shooting fish in a barrel to practice!

Oh babe, I hate to get

You see — he hates to become! He but hates it! We know this, because he tells us he hates it. And why would he hate to go if he didn't dear his partner merely that much?

See ya! Photograph by Altair78/Wikimedia Eatables.

Why indeed?

Here's why it's actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the globe can only distract so much from the fact that the song's main character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't really seem like he hates being abroad all that much:

There's then many times I've permit you down

Then many times I've played around

I tell yous now, they don't hateful a thing

"Babe, I promise! All the movies I watched alone while you were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I tuckered our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Similar, I had a fantastic fourth dimension. Simply balance assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"Every bit empty as this bed I just finished having sex with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yes, when you break it down, "Leaving on a Jet Aeroplane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he'southward "good" despite all bear witness to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be cleaved upward about having to part from his one and only, the dude seems pretty excited about the flight. Oh, you're leaving on a jet plane, are you? Are you Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter well-nigh the "terrible" Cibo express salad y'all were forced to choke downwardly as y'all sat waiting to commence on your fun, mysterious chance?

"Life and so difficult @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Eatables.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I go, I'll recall of you

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for you lot

Ah cool. He'll call up about her while strumming and making "my love is delicate as the morn dew" eyes at a waif-y grad student in the front row. That pretty much makes up for it all.

Then he demands:

Then buss me and smile for me

Tell me that you'll look for me

Subsequently all the betrayal and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a class-A sleaze who can't be trusted, he notwithstanding has the gall to tell her to wait? To wait for him?

And hither'due south the kicker:

When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

Ah yes. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photograph via iStock.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he'due south cheated a billion times, drained the family bank account, and just been a general screwup and thwarting.

But yeah. This time he says he'll bring back a wedding band.

I promise she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

5. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When you look up "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays you lot a recording of this vocal.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photograph past Factor Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays yous the very commencement line.

Here's why it audio very romantic:

When a man loves a woman

Certain, you tin write the lyrics down, simply it doesn't even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The succulent, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN

Closer ... just all the same no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It'southward an elemental lyric.

Information technology's a center-shattering lyric.

It's a lyric that demands yous put your back into it.

It's perfection.

As long as you don't go on listening.

Here'due south why the vocal is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Woman," nosotros know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said human loves said woman?

He'd give up all his comforts

And sleep out in the pelting

If she said that's the way

Information technology ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Support. A human, no matter how devoted, no matter how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Turn his back on his all-time friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A man can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A human being needs friends! One time a man's whole support system erodes out from under him, a human being volition exist biting, ungrounded, and solitary. And a human being's mental health will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I take

Tryin' to hold on to your heartless honey

Baby, delight don't treat me bad.

This is not what happens "when a man loves a woman." It's what happens when a human loves a decision-making, manipulative woman. An abusive woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a adult female. Herself.

"It'southward Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not good for you.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for you.

(Side note: Lest information technology go implied, at that place is way more than than i way for a man to beloved a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Peradventure they slumber in separate bedrooms. Possibly they apparel up in big, costly true cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a homo loves a man, I imagine it feels much the aforementioned. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of delivery, living state of affairs, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, at that place's no i-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There'southward more than than one style to skin a true cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go downwardly.

It doesn't matter if it's the correct metaphor, equally long as it'southward a metaphor. Photo past Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek help! You lot can practise this! And if you ever find yourself in a like situation, delight give these people a phone call.

half-dozen. "All I Wanna Exercise is Make Love to You," Centre

Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the most popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/Globe's All-time Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and information technology would brand me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a alpine, dark stranger at the end of a pier.

This vocal is perfect. You should always be listening to it. If you're non listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google it. It's merely that important.

I am singing the telephone volume. Y'all are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Eatables.

So much passion. And then much pain. So much pilus.

Here'due south why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared by every living being on Earth: picking up an unnervingly attractive human being for one nighttime of heed-bravado sexual activity then releasing him back into the wild to bone — merely never quite as compellingly e'er again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Continuing by the road, no umbrella, no coat

So I pulled upwards aslope and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a smile then we drove for a while

I don't have to go on because yous know what happens next, and it'due south awesome.

"I but sit in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photograph by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

At present, here's why this song is non romantic at all:

The human relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems too good to be true. And information technology is. Because it'south not an equally loving ,or even equally brawny, pairing at all.

It'southward a...

It's a...

Well. You know what information technology is:

Skilful at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming along just fine, similar any wholesome, illicit, bearding matter should:

I didn't inquire him his name, this lonely boy in the rain

Fate, tell me information technology's right, is this love at starting time sight?

Sure, many of us might hesitate to pick upwards a strange leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, but our narrator just has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta get with your gut.

I tin can respect that.

We made magic that night

He did everything right

Bang-up! Seems similar it was a skilful decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.

But and so, without warning, the vocal starts to audio less like an all-time slap-up romance and more like a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:

I told him "I am the flower, y'all are the seed

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't attempt to find me, please don't you dare

Just live in my memory, you'll always be there"

I'm not a poet. Symbolic language often eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly hateful wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they have since sexual activity was starting time invented in the early on-1970s, we're talking about a surprise, not-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

Hi! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Eatables.

Of form, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. Yous might exist tempted to recollect, "Perchance Heart meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant information technology:

Then it happened 1 day

We came round the same way

You can imagine his surprise

When he saw his ain eyes

There are two possibilities here.

Ane: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway ad from 9 years ago:

Photograph by eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally bamboozled a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, "Delight, please understand

Ah, sure. Yep. No worries.

I'm in love with some other man

Absurd, so this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has at present wrecked non one just two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the one piffling matter that you can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A Real SENTIENT Human LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best you tin can say most that is that it'south not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should take been responsible for his own nascence command. Or, at the very least, asked more than questions .

Just ... it'due south non cute. It's not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves concord).

And at the end of the day, the shadiest character in this song is somehow not the pelting-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.

Which... is saying something.

Just there is a dear song that is truly, madly, securely perfect. An unassailable rail in a ocean of problematic faves.

A song that does everything correct.

A vocal that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership congenital to concluding.

A song that can double as a manual for the ideal homo romantic relationship.

And that song is...

"Processed Store," past 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Here's why you lot might be — OK, almost definitely are — skeptical:

50 Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As catchy as "Processed Shop" is, every bit fun it is to dance to, and as cathartic every bit it can be to scream in the eye of a crowded fraternity business firm at two a.grand., in that location's no getting around the fact that the vocal begins similar this:

I'll have you lot to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

I'll post that again, in case you missed some of the nuance:

I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

Way to accept one for the team, narrator of "Candy Shop"!

At first glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody's idea of a classic dearest vocal.

The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The trounce is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily past in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.

It's not a vocal yous'd put on a mixtape for your crush. It's non a vocal y'all'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the bodyguard and you've got nine hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It'south certainly non a song you'd include on the video photograph montage you made for your grandparents' silver anniversary.

It'south just not.

Only it should be.

Then here it is. Hither'due south why "Processed Store" by fifty Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:

You wanna dorsum that matter up or should I push upward on it? Photo by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission skid. It'south simply been twenty seconds, and y'all're already getting ready to hang it up with "Candy Store."

Only then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the form of a female person voice joining the track, cutting through the din like a blaring call.

She sings:

I'll take you to the candy shop (yep)

Boy, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll accept you spendin' all yous got (come on)

Keep going 'til you hit the spot, whoa

It's mutual! It'due south mutual! They're performing oral sexual activity on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, get! Photo past liz w/Flickr.

50 Cent himself may not be the earth's greatest partner — for example, according to one of his exes, he'south done some pretty unforgivable things.

Just the narrator of "Processed Shop"? He gets it:

You lot could have it your way, how do yous want it?

Rather than just imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'thou going to invest my entire sense of cocky-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'one thousand going to treat you like a chest full of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to Yous," ("I'chiliad going to play a joke on you lot into knocking me upward!") — the "Candy Store" guy really asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is good for nigh 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do information technology? The hotel? Dorsum of the rental? The beach? The park?

It's whatever you're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I ain't finished teaching you 'tour how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Store" is certainly ... believing about his desires.

But hither's the key affair: the lady on the receiving finish of those desires? She's conspicuously into it. And we know this because she says and then.

The lines of consent in "Candy Store" are brilliant ruby-red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky lodge flooring.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Girl what we do ...

And where we do ...

The things we do ...

Are just betwixt me and you

No matter how nasty they freak, information technology volition be intimate. Information technology volition be individual. There will exist no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely exist a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you lot be a nympho, I'll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is cardinal to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the case of "Candy Store") minutes long.

She may have a loftier sex drive, but dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids but might go the distance later on all.

And at the end of the day, what is a relationship simply two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Thanks, Obamacare! Photograph by Wonderlane/Flickr.

Information technology'south like it's a race who could get undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an equally bully fourth dimension.

I touch the right spot at the right time

Of course, it wouldn't exist a pop/hip-hop striking without a spot of random braggadocio, but if we're to take him at his give-and-take, "Processed Shop" guy is at to the lowest degree as good at "doing everything correct" equally the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Brand Love to You" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the dark or a funky, shimmering love god. He'due south a good partner.

"Candy Store" is raunchy. It's dirty. Information technology's not your grandmother'southward love song.

But when yous strip away the swagger, the dorsum trounce, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the finish of the vocal, both people are satisfied. And at the stop of the mean solar day, isn't that what a healthy relationship is all virtually?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Photo past Francois Durand/Getty Images.

So seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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